Looking for a replacement
I have now completed 30 years as the minister of the Christian Church in Lindsay. Therefore I have been investigating candidates to take my place. This church has all been good to me. So I thought I would help them find someone to take my place. In case you are interested in investigating any of them I will give you their names and my comments on these candidates. After you have check these men out, you should call the chairmen of the church board and tell him what you think.
Noah - has 120 years of preaching experience but no converts.
Moses - stutters; former congregations say he loses his temper over triviates and throws things.
Abraham - took off to Egypt during hard times. I heard he got into trouble with the authorities and tried to lie his way out.
David - unacceptable moral character; might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen for a beautiful women.
Solomon - reputation for wisdom, but doesn’t practice what he preaches.
Elijah - inconsistent, know to fold under pressure.
Hosea - home shambles; Divorced, remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah - too emotional, cries allot, a real pain in the neck, some say.
Amos - no training; suited only as fig - picker.
John - calls himself a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie; would not feel comfortable at potluck dinners. Does not get alone with the rich. He would probably loses his head.
Peter - horrible temper; was overheard denying Christ. I heard he had mother in-law troubles. Some call him the first Pope.
Paul - his writings lack tact, too harsh; appearance contemptible; preaches too long, hates women. Some believe he was married before.
Timothy - has great potential, but too young for the job.
Jesus - often offends church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars; too controversial; he would upset all the VEGETARIANS because he said: “Nothing outside a man can make him unclean by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him unclean.” In saying this, Jesus declared all foods clean, (Mark 7:19), he even offended me with his questions, and he is Jewish you know.
Judas - practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor. As you can see if you could pay enough, he is your man.
After going over these candidates I have decided to stay right here in Lindsay, right where the Lord has place me. After all by this time you all know both my bad and good points. Thanks for accepting me and working with me for the Glory of the Lord.
Sincerely Paul Leavens